First, I have been negotiating the changes that come from being  a single parent with three grown children. My youngest is about to fly from the nest, leaving to start her life. While I have been there two other times, this will easily be the most difficult adjustment as she is the last to leave. I will truly be an empty nester now.

Don’t get me wrong, there is certainly, the usual excitement and adventure associated with one leaving for college. The pride and the tears go hand in hand. Add to that each of my older daughters’ spring graduations; one who will graduate with her bachelor’s,  and the other with her master’s. And — even more excitement surrounding the planning and anticipation of my oldest daughter’s June 2012 wedding. INDESCRIBABLE!! More smiles and tears…

In the midst of these personal joys, I have been hard at work – living, learning and experiencing a new profession. It’s fair to say that everyday has had its challenges — some days have been quite overwhelming. All in all, it has been scary good! I feel like I have finally come home.

What I have found through all this change, is a very different me.  No matter how challenged or how overwhelmed; how scared or how joyful, I am discovering the very best of me. There has been a reckoning of sorts– the emotions and the changes have had an effect. They have caused me to take a step back and look inward.

Someone I love very much shared with me many times how important and meaningful it is to be “seen.” It’s everything in life. I have “seen” few, and been ”seen” by fewer. It’s an incredible feeling to look into someone’s soul and see and experience the essence of their being.

For me, I feel like I am seeing myself for the first time. I am more peaceful and content. My words and my thoughts now come from a place of love, acceptance and understanding.

That has not always been the case for any number of reasons. There has been emotional dishonesty because of painful times along the way. A portion of that pain I  attribute to ignorance — ignoring true feelings and being unable or unwilling to express my deepest and innermost thoughts to those I love the most.

Many of my lessons learned have come from some type of loss. Unfortunately for me, there have been high prices to pay–heartbreak and lost love. But life is the true teacher and these realizations and many changes in recent times have not gone unnoticed.  In the past, their message fell upon deaf ears and an aching heart. The message has been received by a different student this time.

I have stared down my life to date and see my future with new eyes. It looks and feels promising. There are very bright lights and they are shining on what I now know to be truly important – accepting yourself, acknowledging what’s in your heart, seeing and being seen.

For more than 25 years I have been a mother and I will absolutely be a mother until the day I die. It won’t always be as primary as it has been these last 25 years, but it will always be a critical piece of who I am. I see it as a blessing, an honor and a joy that I celebrate each and every day.

I was reminded once again this weekend how blessed and honored I am as I watched my youngest daughter receive her high school diploma. It was bittersweet. A good-bye to her public school career and to my last time-sharing in the  celebration of this important milestone. To date, she and I have traveled an amazing road. We have weathered many storms – the usual trials and tribulations. There have been broken hearts, disappointments and misunderstandings throughout the years. All part of the growing pains intertwined with childhood, puberty and adolescence.

Having two others go before her,  I prepared myself for this occasion. Did I say bittersweet? I think so. While I watched her take her steps across the stage, I felt great pride, a sense of accomplishment and some regret.

I am certainly proud of her and her many accomplishments. My regrets are just that — my regrets. Like any parent, I believe there are those times when you wish a “do over”  would be possible. I can certainly think of a few. All things considered; the good times and the bad, she and I made it through with flying colors.

In this time and place, I wonder what I will do when she is gone? She is ready to begin to live her life without me in the day-to-day. While I celebrate her independence, and her new life, I know this is a catalyst for change in my life.

My baby, my last — a very big deal for me. Now I will be on a new path. A path that places me at the forefront. Make no mistake, my children will always have my attention, but their needs will be different. We have reached a new plateau.

For me, I am excited about my path. It has already started to take on new directions. New interests have been developing and some past loves reignited.  Each one bringing something new and exciting to my life.

I applaud the accomplishments of my daughter. She hung in at a time when things were a bit tough. She grew, she learned and she overcame obstacles that for many would have been crippling. Yesterday, her graduation day, was a bittersweet good-bye. It was a good-bye to her childhood, her insecurities, and some of the critical supports that brought her to where she is today. She persevered, she worked hard, and she succeeded!

So today, it is with great pride and much love, I wish her a future of  joy, hope and excitement. No one is more deserving. Congratulations to my baby!!

Most days, I take my life in big bites. I enjoy it, I embrace it, I live it. It has become more evident to me in recent years that the joy and blessings I get from living my life  are from the connections I’ve made. I believe that would be the case for any of us.

Those connections and what they offer are truly what life is about. I have never been more filled up then in recent times.  I have come to appreciate the need to be connected; what it means and what it brings.

Many times, I find myself so amazed by the people in my life. So diverse, so caring, so true to themselves and their journey. The most awe inspiring for me have been my children. Each brings a unique perspective, style and energy. The connection I feel to them is indescribable. I enjoy and appreciate each of them, their gifts and their distinctive personalities.

I am most moved by the connection they feel to me. We have had our moments, but there has always been forgiveness and love. The push and pull, the ups and downs, the laughter and the tears – what has been and remains is that constant, unbreakable connection.

To their credit, they have hung in with me as much as I have hung in with them. They have taught me the importance of consistency and unconditional love. We have learned the lessons together and we have learned them well. I cherish my children and the bond we share. I love them with all my heart!

I also cherish the connections made with many special people in my life who have provided the same consistency and love. These relationships have enhanced my life and brought me great joy. Such capacity for caring and generosity of spirit is humbling to me. I am so thankful and at the same time, inspired by the “connections” in my life.

Recently, I have had multiple experiences which have reminded me of the beauty of new beginnings or fresh starts if you will. There has been the rekindling of old friendships associated with life in an earlier time, forgiveness of those who have caused pain and the hope of a fresh start.

For me this Easter, I think about the abiding love that has been given to us — the sacrifice made for all so we could experience this incredible gift of life and ultimately as non perfect people who believe, have eternal life.

As a man, Jesus moved among the people. People who were rich, poor, sick, needy — all walks of life he experienced. He made no judgement calls, he loved, he taught, he listened, he accepted. He truly spent his life on earth building relationships and encouraging new beginnings.

What a beautiful testimony of love and support — acceptance and forgiveness. This Easter weekend, embrace the possibilities of new beginnings. We all have opportunities in our lives to open the door and begin again. It just requires us to simply trust and believe. Happy Easter!

As a mother of three, my parenting over the years has included teachings about timing and placement; and appreciating that  there are reasons why things happen the way they do. It may not be obvious when it’s happening, but at some point down the road, we will know why it happened the way it did. I find myself saying those words more in recent times. “Really? ” I ask myself. “There’s a reason for this — can’t imagine what it might be?”

Inevitably, there is a point when it shows itself. Then there’s that AHA! moment. I get it now. I can use all my fingers and all of my toes to count how many times those moments have come to light. True that many times the recognition has not been immediate, but most definitely, there has ultimately been that full blown awareness as to why something occurred the way it did.

In those moments of recognition, I revisit and re-evaluate the “why.” That is when the answers to the questions of timing become clear. I begin to realize that in another place and in another time, this event would not have carried the same significance. The lesson would have been lost, because I would not have been where I needed to be in order to receive. Enter luck — as luck would have it, I got to the place I needed to be so the learning could occur.

I do believe things happen for reasons and I also believe we all see our lives differently at different times. I can remember thinking and feeling one way about an issue and 20 years later flipping 180 degrees. Things happen, life happens. We experience, savor, hurt, and grow. It’s the evolutionary process associated with living one’s life.

I offer these ramblings as I prepare to close a chapter and open a new one.  There are thoughts about many times in my life, memorable times, that have been all about timing and a little luck too!

When I grab my sneakers, my little terrier heads toward the door that separates the garage from the kitchen. She has the program down. Standing on two legs, she accepts the purple sweater I offer. We  work together to place it over her head and pull her two front legs through the designated openings. It’s a team effort.

It’s kinda like our walk. We do it together. Our walk is our single, most important activity as it represents our special time. It’s the conduit that connects us with nature and with each other. It’s our time to bond and experience the beauty that surrounds us.

No matter what time of year– in sunshine, rain or snow, through the wind, we walk. It’s exhilarating and rejuvenating. Our walk enhances the good days and provides natural therapy for those days that tend to be more taxing.

There is something about our walks that give me the perspective I need from time to time. It is the opportunity to take myself away from the regimen and confinement of the day and go outdoors where no boundaries exist.

I love my walks with my dog. Most days our paths are planned, other days we choose a path less traveled. We explore and  find new ways to get to familiar places. Our walks are very similar to living life.

Just like life, our frequently traveled path provides us with a level of comfort. It gives us the stability and the steadiness we need in our day. Then there are those paths less traveled. They always offer a new direction or create a different awareness which provides a sense of freedom and adventure.

No matter which path I take, old or new, I find enjoyment. Every path offers my dog and me the time we need to contemplate and savor the beauty of walking through life.

On this Valentine’s Day weekend, I am reminded of the love circles that have been created in my life. Some remain intact and others are dissembled and gone. The loves that have been lost, had their purpose, a reason to be. The loves that remain, I nurture, cherish, and celebrate every day.

There is no greater joy than to love and be loved. The very nature of  love is to appreciate the happiness it brings and the hope it offers.

With love, there is hope and that hope inspires us to let go of our fear. When we truly love, we can negate fear. Giving love, without conditions, is the most exhilarating feeling one can experience. Many times, people love and expect to receive something in return. One should love without expectations. The only expectation one should have is to know love.

On this Valentine’s Day weekend, feel love. Never stop loving, even if there have been times when love has brought pain. Know that love is the single, most important feeling there is — it’s worth the risk as it’s all that really matters.

 Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I said good-bye to one of my babies last week. My 21 year-old baby flew off to Prague to spend four months studying their government, culture and language. I had that leaving on a jet plane feeling; tearful, but proud and excited for the wonderful adventure that awaited her.

Admittedly, I had spent the last 6 months anticipating her departure, but it always seemed like a far time off. It had been surreal for me in many ways. Since last July, she knew that Prague would be her study abroad destination of choice. She had been planning, reading, making travel iterneries and getting “pumped.” I would listen to her describe what courses she would take, what destinations she had planned to see while in eastern Europe and how she planned to immerse herself in Prague culture. It was all good, things were great and wonderful, and she was still here.

The fall semester at her home school flew by and holiday break brought us closer to the time when she would leave for Prague. I had great success at placing my feelings about this trip on the back burner. I was so successful, that the reality of her departure didn’t hit me until it was time to say goodbye at the airport. And then, like a cold, blast of arctic air, the reality slapped me right across the face.

It all happened at the escalator, as she prepared to go downstairs to enter security. I started to babble about dressing in layers to keep warm, eating vegetables, using the buddy system - blah,blah,blah!! And, suddenly it happened – the volcanic eruption of tears. This was it – I was tapped out. I had reached my emotional peak. My public breakdown upset my poor daughter and our dual distress had us clinging to one another like two Titanic survivors in a life raft.

What a mess ! I could not get myself together. All sorts of thoughts were rushing through my head. I had thoughts of her needing me and me being thousands of miles away. How could I provide any comfort from such a distance? I felt paralyzed. I could not move myself through the tears. I was in the midst of an emotional log jam!!!

Fortunately for both of us, her boyfriend was there. He was able to provide some much-needed comfort and objectivity. While the two of them had their emotional moments, they seemed to be handling the departure much better than I. In hindsight, I believe they were better equipped because they had openly and regularly discussed her trip and their feelings about their four month separation. I was in awe of their maturity related to this situation. I could have; probably should have, taken notes.

Fortunately for all of us, we had each other. The cliff notes version is -  we had our emotional good-bye with hugs, kisses, and the verbal expressions of love and well wishes. Now, more than a week later, my baby’s firmly entrenched in Prague. She is loving it and soaking up all this Eastern European city has to offer. Her apartment is spacious and her roommates are friendly and adventurous. She is living the life.

We get to speak to one another every couple of days through Skype and she blogs and facebooks about her experiences and the highlights. She has started arranging her globetrotting schedule for the semester. Thus far, Greece is her spring break destination, a weekend concert in Amsterdam, and an Easter trip to the Vatican. There are numerous, additional trips that include London, Germany, Budapest and a return visit to Vienna.

What an experience this will be for my baby. Each day, I look forward to her posts. It’s clear she is content and excited about the opportunities this trip will afford her. I am so proud, so proud. I look forward to the day she returns, but in the mean time, I will enjoy the reports of the adventure that unfolds as my baby studies in Prague.

I can say with great pride that each of them are well equipped for their forward motion. They are bright, articulate, and savvy young women. I am in awe of them. Raising them has been my greatest accomplishment and without a doubt the most wonderful blessing in my life.

As I reflect on my feelings about their current life places, I can say I am a bit overwhelmed. In addition to helping each of them prepare for the next step, I too, am trying to entertain a new phase in my life. It is my life as an empty nester.

Interestingly enough, I had an individual ask me recently what I had done to prepare for this moment. That moment when all is quiet, no one is home and there is no expectation for me to answer to anyone else?

WOW!! What a thought! What would I do now that I didn’t have those day-to-day obligations? Well  fortunately, I have allowed the thought to cross my mind a time or two and I’ve had some ideas, some good ideas. They are typical and practical.

First thought – I knew that I would want to downsize — most folks do.

When children leave home, you don’t need as much space. Certainly, I welcome the thought of  doing less housework, yard work, and just less. I have made a longstanding joke about finding a place where I could open my front door and see a road that was cleared of snow by someone other than myself. I am over the shoveling and salting – done, done, done!

Mowing is not as dreaded. I kinda like it. I will have a yard. I think a small yard will be in my future. There will be no more three acre wooded lot with trees that create an unbelievable amount of leaves in the fall. Just something simple with few trees for shade.

Like I said, I have given this change-up in my life some thought.

So  what about other areas of my life - The not so typical, or practical? Well, I have entertained some ideas there as well. Travel has long been a desire of mine and I will take the opportunity to go and do. I will see places that I have never seen and I will do it while I am able.

I learned many lessons from my mother, but the most valuable, was I will never say, ”one day or some day.”  Especially when it comes to travel. My one day/some day will be in the present. It will not be one day or some day that never comes to pass.

There have been other areas in my life where the “one day/some day” has cost me dearly. It will never happen again — not on any level. I have committed to myself when I am moved and inspired to do, I will do.

So what about my children? My beautiful, wonderful, fully grown children? My assessment is they are open armed and ready for all that life has to offer. They are knee-deep and actively engaged in moving their lives forward. Each one excited about the offerings of their individual changes and challenges.

In many ways, all four of us are standing side by side, at that threshold. There’s a realization that the time we share now will be different from times past or any time in the future. We are savoring these moments of being in the nest together. At the same time, we are encouraging and loving one another as we each prepare to fly to our next destination.

Just recently, I had a conversation with one of my children who was upset about a conflict she had with her sister. The two were having a difference of opinion about the car they share. Voices were raised, insults traded and feelings were hurt – so much so that a motherly intervention was necessary. During the calm after the storm, there were regrets. Both had said things they didn’t mean and were too proud to approach the other to say they were sorry.

The one daughter communicated to me that she was sorry but couldn’t understand why her sister was so territorial about the car. Her angst related to the situation stirred her thoughts about other issues which included her desire for perfect world scenarios. “Why isn’t this like this?” Why don’t we do this?” ”Shouldn’t this be like this?” Question after question - each begging an answer.

I listened intently and was surprised by some of her questions and her perspective. Feeling ill-equipped, I began to try to lay some groundwork that I thought might be helpful.

I began with some sayings in life that relate to optimism – glass half empty vs. glass half  full, look at the bright side, etc. I quickly jumped to my analogy of square pegs and round holes. We cannot always pound square pegs into round holes. Then I presumed that I could enlighten her with some of my own personal experiences that were related and might well serve as some type of inspiration.

Sound confusing? Hopefully I can make some sense of it for the sake of this blog entry. Here it goes….

We all take account of our lives from time to time. This typically happens when something upsetting occurs to shake up our day-to-day. I would like to call them interruptions. I heard my minister speak to interruptions as they relate to God trying to get our attention and I believe this to be true. We go through our day-to-day, doing what’s expected, checking off the items on our list, just basically existing in a square peg sort of way. These interruptions occur to serve as a wake-up call; a shake-up, for us to stop and ask ourselves if this is really how we were met to live our lives?

Many times our barometer for what we do and how we do it is based on those around us. Kinda like the old saying, “Keeping up with the Jones.”  Seldom, possibly never, do we ask ourselves if what we are doing is truly making us happy. It’s more about what we think we should be doing vs. what is in our heart.

After a period of time, the wear and tear of ignoring or maybe even resisting one’s heart takes its toll. It’s like running the greatest race with all the sights and sounds along the way. If the blinders stay on, the only thing in sight is the finish line. Take the blinders off and you experience the thrill of the ride, the scenery, the sidelines, all with its ups and downs. This is living.

So you ask – how does all this mumbo jumbo relate to an argument over a car? Well – simple. In the case of my daughters and their “poor me, we only have one car” moment – I served as an interruption. I took the opportunity to remind them how fortunate they were to have the one car. Yes, many of their friends have their own individual cars and that’s ok. But in our world, they have one car to share. I pointed out the many other aspects of their lives that were special. I talked about the gifts they possess that others may not. I reiterated the beauty of giving and not so much about getting. I challenged them to think about how precious their lives are and just how much they mean to me and to others in their family and to their friends. It was an interruption, a much-needed interruption.

In many ways, it was an interruption for me too! It came at a time when I needed to be reminded of my precious gifts. Their meltdown provided an opportunity for me to heed my own advice.

I am constantly amazed at how life has a way of presenting us with situations that give us the chance to assess where we are in our lives. We evaluate, make changes if necessary and then move into better space. To my mind, these situations or interruptions are heaven-sent and are intended to get our attention and take us to an improved life place.